When Will Women Stop Being Victims of Men Who Can’t Handle Rejection?
Written by Miracle Okah
When I was around 17, I experienced a jolting incident when a boy slapped me across my face for rejecting him. I was too stunned to speak, but when I eventually got myself, I hit him back, and he proceeded to fight me.
A few weeks ago, my friend almost ended up in the hospital after a man, who was her neighbour in school, violently reacted to her rejection. I have had another share of these experiences when random bike men would proceed to harass me whenever I refused to answer their catcalling.
We hear about issues like this all the time. It happens frequently to us, our female friends, and women in our communities.
The history of violence against women, which is a result of men's desire for power and dominance, has been condoned for a long time. This is a clear reflection of perceived inequality between men and women. Historical records reveal distressing circumstances, including forced marriages, the subjugation of women, domestic violence, and witch hunts. These practices, escalating to violence, torture, and executions, were common in both ancient and even modern societies. Women were frequently perceived as property, with customs like chastity belts and trials by ordeal serving as tangible manifestations of prevailing societal attitudes toward women. This multifaceted violence, taking different forms, can emanate from various reasons, including a sense of entitlement, superiority, misogyny, etc.
Several years ago, when the internet wasn’t as pervasive, instances like men threatening, hitting, beating, or killing women as a result of them rejecting their advances were rarely discussed. Regrettably, it has become an unsettlingly common occurrence to see women sharing their stories online.
Nana, a writer, said a man had once told her he was going to run her down with a car. “He said he would run me down with a car because he felt I was lying when I told him I was married. He said I was forming because I have legs to catwalk. He also said I should thank God he was in a good mood, or else he would have taken my legs from me. Another one threatened to kidnap me and pour acid down my throat so that if I survived, I wouldn't have the voice that was 'deceiving me.’ This was because he called me one day while I was stretching, and he said my voice sounded like a moan. I told him not to speak to me like that again, then he laughed and said those words.”
“So there was this guy I was flirting with in 2022; I genuinely liked the guy but not enough to date him, so he was shocked when I turned him down,” said Toria, a product designer. “He called me all sorts of names, and then he went ahead to ambush me on my way home from church and assaulted me, one thing he kept repeating was I was not pretty enough to reject him and he wanted to do me a favour by dating him.”
Shirley said the only reason why she gives out her number is to avoid harassment. She says men can be wild, and you never can tell what is going on in their heads.
Orake mentioned that she has been a victim of this many times, but the most recent incident was the guy in the new area she just moved to.
“He blocked my path on my way home and refused to let me pass until I gave him my number. He said he would leave me alone if I wasn't interested in talking to him. I thought he seemed decent enough, so I gave him my number. However, when I didn't respond to his text for a few hours, he called me. I politely told him I wasn't interested. On Christmas day, he showed up on my street and followed me, pressuring me to unblock him after I had blocked him. I said I would consider it, but he continued to call and disturb me. I became furious and even threatened to scream if he showed up at my house again. The following week, he returned and showed up in front of my house. I yelled at him and shooed him away like a dog. I haven't heard from him since. But I am scared because he might be watching me, and I don't know what he might do.”
Obianuju had a similar frightening experience when she went on a date with a man who insisted on walking her home. She was concerned about revealing her address to him, so she went to a friend's house instead. However, the man continued to call her for over two years, repeatedly suggesting that they meet at a hotel. When she blocked his number, he began calling her friend's number and even went to look for her there. Obianuju said this happened simply because she had told him she wasn't interested in dating him.
Feeling bad because they were rejected is an understandable feeling, but what happens when they proceed to harass, assault, and even kill women because of the choice they made? Numerous women have been victims of these men who can’t seem to handle rejection. Aside from these women I talked to, some online cases show the urgent need to address the issues.
On Saturday, August 26, 2023, a 25-year-old South African woman, Zizipho Nikita Kalubi, was hit by a brick in the presence of her boyfriend after she rejected a man’s advances; this assault eventually led to her losing her left eye. Gabrielle Walsh, an 18-year-old girl, was punched unconscious by a man she rejected on her way home from a night out with a friend. In India, a man mercilessly beat a 19-year-old woman for turning down his marriage proposal.
This issue of gender-based violence affects countless women worldwide and knows no geographic boundaries.
There was a time when an Indian man, Reddypogu Ravi, dragged a 25-year-old woman to the bush, where he brutally raped and blackmailed her for rejecting him during their childhood days. Adam Kelly also waited for a woman outside her work just to rape her for spurning his advance?
Some of these women lived to tell their stories, but what about those who were killed and are unable to tell their stories? Those like Elianne Andam, a 15-year-old girl who was stabbed to death on her way to school after rejecting a boy’s flower; Lily Sullivan, an 18-year-old woman, was murdered by a 31-year-old man after rejecting his advances; Nayera Ashraf, was severely beaten and then stabbed to death by her classmate after she turned down his marriage proposal, let’s not forget the 32-year-old Pinky Shongwe was stabbed to death in south Africa all because she refused an unknown man’s advances. Countless told and untold stories echo these events, with women being their victims.
A troubling reality to ponder on is the fact that even women who accept to date these men or yield to their ridiculous request are unsafe; I mean, didn't Jabulani Nkosi murder his pregnant girlfriend and store her body in a fridge before eventually burning her in South Africa?, Damian Okoligwe also killed and dismembered his 20-year-old girlfriend in Uniport, Nigeria.
A study from the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime (UNODC) shows that, on average, more than five women or girls were killed every hour by intimate partners or other family members, and these are the ones documented; what about the undocumented ones and the ones that didn't show up on daily news?
The constant victim-blaming, even in the face of substantial evidence of assault or death, is particularly absurd. Society, including close family and friends, often finds ways to blame women unjustly. This pervasive victim-blaming not only perpetuates harmful stereotypes but also emphasises the urgent need for a cultural shift in how we address and respond to incidents of assault or violence against women.
Men violently reacting to women's rejection not only reflects toxic masculinity but also highlights long-standing misogyny, revealing a fear of perceived threats to male dominance.
Why should women bear the consequences of men being unable to handle rejection and bruised egos? Women, out of fear for their safety, are coerced into sharing personal information, enduring the risk of assault or even death. The pressing question remains: To what end does this disturbing pattern persist?
When I asked some women what steps they have taken after being victims of situations like this, Toria said she couldn't report to the police because they would blame her for flirting and leading him on; she said if she is not careful she might end up being the one who will end up behind bars, she further stated that the best she did was block him and threaten to report him then hope he wouldn't do such thing again.
This alarming trend needs to be addressed urgently; men should be educated to handle rejection alongside educational programs that promote healthy coping mechanisms that dismantle toxic masculinity norms. Law enforcement and the legal system must be sensitised to address such cases. Additionally, challenging societal norms that internalise victim-blaming attitudes can create an environment that encourages reporting and seeking justice without fear or stigma.
Miracle Okah (she/her), a grant-winning writer, has her works published or forthcoming in Amaka Studio, Blackballad, Adventures, Black Girls Times, etc. She narrates stories of culture, society, and tech through the lens of black women. Winner of the Amaka Studio Creator Grant 2022/23.
